There’s a Story at the Bottom of this Bottle

10:54pm: I love the new man romper.

by Kelsey Frustere


Published

I have been planning this for a while, an article about nothing but the degradation of dignity and mindfulness as a person succumbs to the whimsy of alcohol. I don’t drink A LOT, I drink socially and on some occasions (like holidays). I consider myself to be a bit of a heavyweight, I can take shots and I never get hangovers. My choice for this particular writing: sweet red wine. I will drink the entire bottle by the end of the article, and I will document all drunk thoughts and inquiries. I will also provide a current song as this is being posted on a music website. I am getting drunk alone and will need musical stimulation to convince myself this isn’t a terribly sad thing to do on a Thursday night in my mother’s basement.

9:35pm
My mother struggles to open a bottle of Barefoot Sweet Red Blend wine, her arsenal for removing the cork includes a hammer, two knives, a screw, and a pair of scissors. I begin to think about the journey I am about to take: one bottle of wine, one night, one article.





9:47pm
My mom finally removes the cork from the bottle, I could hear stadium applause in my head, but my mother just said, “don’t put the bottle back in there, just drink the whole thing.” If only she knew…

9:49pm
This tastes like communion wine from a Catholic church, I’m usually more of a moscato gal myself, but I am looking to expand my horizons. I am not a fan.

9:51pm
I wince as I drink straight from the bottle, my mom inquires, “you don’t like the taste? Wine is a stupid thing to drink.” This statement is coming from a woman who unironically enjoys Bud Light Platinum. I am about 1/6th of the way through the bottle.

Current Song:

9:58pm
I scream as I remove a beetle from the back of my mom’s shirt, she puts him in the garbage disposal and says, “shhh…listen” as she flicks the switch. I feel sad for him.

10:05pm
I document my progress to Snapchat. I can’t remember how to use two filters at once so I settle for the time.

Current Song:




10:10pm
I make a wish, wait, is this when I can do that? Is it exclusively 11:11? I don’t know. I watch a RIP Vine compilation. I know some of the vines so well that I can quote them on command (see: this bitch empty YEET)

10:14pm
My friend Dana texts me with the word “Kelsey”, a common occurrence in our correspondence that frightens me every time nonetheless. I have to pee already.





10:21pm
I use the bathroom for the first time since starting the article, an act I’m sure will increase in frequency as the night dwindles on. I forget my electronics and read the back of a bottle of “Finding Dory, Ocean Fruit Scented Bubble Bath”. It reads, “…long-lasting bubbles kids will love!” 1.) what is an “ocean fruit”?? and 2.) what bubbles do kids NOT love?????

10:31pm
omg u know what sounds so good right now?? Buckeye donuts
I open Tinder, and if u read my last article, u already know that was a BIG mistake

10:36pm
a shirtless man named “Erik” says my bio made him laugh out loud, he is shirtless
I take a picture of myself, it looks good!!!!!!!!11

Current Song:




10:47 pm
did chance the rapper put that Hamilton song on his set list?????????????
American Football (For Sure) comes on, I transition into an emo state

10:54 pm
I love the new man romper

11:12 pm
I took a nap. Woke up to pee

11:14 pm
my cake vs. pie twitter poll is at 50/50 with 4 votes, this is the most exciting part of my night

11:22 pm
I watch my friend’s (kitty) live Instagram video, I only comment “biiitch” and I let her know that I am drunk as she does makeup for her night out. Wtf is the point of live videos, I’m 2ugly and 2anxious to do them. I text an old friend to let them know I am intoxicated

11:27 pm
I realize I missed 11:11 and I cry a little at the notion of a lost wish, I swipe right so quickly on tinder that I run out of matches within the 10 mile radius. What if I miss my soulmate?? What if they are ELEVEN miles away from me??? This is too much
Is the weeknd the new Michael Jackson???????

Current Song:

11:52 pm
accidentally restarted my computer, waited 25 minutes for it to restart and update, im back bitches, I have to pee

11:28 pm
I know what ur thinking “wow that was a long bathroom trip” well it took me 3 minutes to figure out how to walk down the stairs to get back to my room so shut up
I document myself almost passing out

Current Song:






12:05 pm
it’s done, the wine is gone, are you happy?????? I did this for you

Current Song:




12:16 pm
I tell my friend eamon I love him, he knows this already but I feel it is relevant

12:22 pm
eamon tells me he has a haircut tomorrow as well. We are soulmates

12:31 pm
u no whats fucked up? The sims, like I can make my own life and make it way better than I could ever live irl but I will still forever exist in this shitty realm. Also I was dumped over facebook messenger and that would never happen in the sims which means it is way better than real life

Current Song:

12:36 pm
I make fun of my friend sophia’s boyfriend because he looks like a literal sim from the game, hope I didn’t ruin a new friendship

Current Song:

12:41 pm
I pee and stealthily take an ice cream cone from the freezer while my mom sleeps on the couch. SCORE

Current Song:





11:52 pm
I finish the ice cream cone, bye evetyone it is time fr me to fall aslepe and forget this every happned
Thanks for reading bye

Finals Song:

Kelsey Frustere is an AROUSE member and contributor. Also read: I Swiped Right on Everyone on Tinder (Yes, Everyone). Here’s What I Learned.